It wasn't for lack of effort...

Five months, that's all I lasted. It happened one evening at a birthday BBQ, it was with an Omaha Steak burger. I knew once I took a bite that it would be a slippery slope, it was and it was worth that! Slowly but surely I integrated myself back into the standard American diet. And I will tell you something I feel relieved and free! I put more effort into going plant based than I have any other way of eating ever before. I would even say I gave it a valiant effort but five months is all I could do. I really thought that I was going to completely change my lifestyle forever. In the process I learned that it's really hard to completely change your lifestyle and your families along with it. Not to say that it cannot be done.

I was tired of being in a constant state of mourning for my old life. I thought I would move past it eventually and maybe I would have after more time, quite frankly I wanted to feel normal again. For me things just started to all add up together, I stopped losing weight, I was still in pain, not gout pain that was gone, but pain everywhere else, my passion for cooking was zapped, my love of baking no longer existed, I pretty much didn't want to be in the kitchen any more. That is not like me. When I first went plant based I looked at what I could have and not at what I couldn't have, but as I went on and on it started to be more about what I couldn't have and mostly about what I couldn't make for my family or enjoy with my family and friends. It was just difficult as time went on.

Last week I went shopping, standard American grocery shopping. It was weird, I hadn't realized that I had not shopped like that in so long. But it was nice because it's so easy. It was more expensive though, that's for sure. But we were also kind of starting over again so we needed more than normal. I even realized that I have never shopped at Costco as a non-vegan so that's going to be a fun experience. Better make a budget, yeah right it's Costco. Anyways, when I brought the food home and filled with fridge I felt comforted. I know, that's weird and probably very unhealthy but I did. I made the mistake of deleting every recipe I had on pinterest and replacing it with vegan options, so I have to start all over again. But, what do you do? I also have to relearn how to cook some things that I used to make, because I literally forgot.

I definitely do not feel like I failed in any way. I feel proud of myself that I was able to go as long as I did. It was a HUGE lifestyle change for me and I gave it everything I had, I changed what I ate, I read several books and did hours of research. It is a little hard now knowing what I know after reading The China Study and The Starch Solution and other books but life is so short as it is. I still don't know how I really feel about all of it. I'm torn, it's pretty much like most things in life, you know what's good for you but you do the bad thing anyways. I was never in it for the animals or environment. I'm also not saying I will never do it again. I'm just taking an indefinite break for now.

Going plant based did teach me about myself however. It taught me that I can do it in the future if I need to. At least for short periods of time. That life really does revolve around food. And that at this point in my life I want to make things easier not more complicated for myself. There I've come clean.

I also had my first cronut, a croissant deep fried and glazed like a donut. There are no words. The End.